Monthly Archives: February 2014

Taking a Stand against the Juice Cleanse

The other day I opened my fridge to this sight: $21 worth of juice!!


See, my friend Jordan works for this place called Pressed Juicery, delivering blended up fruits & veggies to LA’s healthiest and wealthiest folks. He wakes up at 3 AM every morning and drives through the night so that the richies can wake up cleansed and ready to walk their dog.

Some of their juices are delicious. Others, like the “roots” collection, involve ingredients that are (pun intended) very tough to swallow.


Jordan is kind enough to share the left over juices with his friends, so we can enjoy this lifestyle of the rich and famous without having to spend $7 a day on cucumber water. 

His job has made for some very interesting house parties, where instead of the fridge being stocked with beer or even Diet Coke, it’s filled with nothing but organic pressed juices.

I am aware that the pressed juice fad is not unique to Los Angeles, but here the “juice cleanse” fad has reached epidemic levels.  A few months ago, some of my co-workers decided to do a week long cleanse and they invited me to join in. Since health and wellness are important to me, I looked into it. The Venice Beach-based juicery offered a variety of cleanses ranging from $210 (3-day cleanse) to $880 (14-day cleanse).

So for the low price of nearly a thousand dollars, you can starve yourself and drown your insides in plant-based liquids for two weeks!!

Due to budgetary reasons, I opted to instead observe their cleanse and see who lasted the longest.

For days I watched as they choked down orange and red liquids and thought, “you fools.”

It only took a few days before they began to crack. One tried to secretly add coffee to his cleanse, so while technically he was still “juicing,” he became a strange mix of hungry and over-energized. Another one got so hungry she began devouring handfuls of goldfish crackers from the office kitchen. I’m pretty sure both of their insides were left more confused than clean.

What I learned from my vicarious juice cleanse is that humans are meant to eat solid food. Living on liquid substitutes alone will drive them to mild levels of desperation and insanity. I’ve examined the evidence extensively and so far the only difference I can find between juice cleansing and starving is that one of them is expensive.

I have nothing against plant-based juices, and I will happily drink them at my friend’s house parties. But I am taking this opportunity to make a public stance against buying them now, so I don’t spend $880 to starve myself later.