Monthly Archives: May 2014

Dealing with Dumb-Blonde-ization

Recently I found myself in a conversation with an elderly stranger. After noticing my vacant ring finger, he ask every single girl’s favorite question:

“So, why aren’t you married?”

I sat there for a moment, waiting for him to gather from the look on my face that he should slowly retreat. He then went on to break the silence by finishing his statement:

“I mean, you don’t seem super career-oriented or anything.”

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Confusion! Shock! Anger!

I started to stammer defensively that actually I AM quite career oriented, but then remembered that I am currently unemployed but that’s not because I’m stupid I’m just in a weird phase of life and it’s complicated to be a millennial and I don’t really know…? 

Luckily he changed the subject and we moved on. But in the days following this incident, I have considered what would motivate this man to have said such a thing. I’ve wondered, do I talk like a Californian now? Do I have a dumb face??

And then one day I was looking through my emojis, and I realized what it was.

Blonde Emoji

I believe I was a victim of dumb-blonde-ization.

I know there have been a handful of less-intelligent blondes in our time, but I feel personally affronted by the fact that this is the ONLY blonde in Emoji’s entire collection. I mean, the crown, really? Is the crown necessary? I am forced to represent myself with a Princess, who I might point out has definitely never had to worry about her career.

And just look at all the options they’ve given brunettes! 

They can put their arms over their head.

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 5.54.58 PM

They can put their arms in an X.

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They can froof their hair,

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or raise their hand to share an intelligent comment.

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 5.55.51 PMThey can do high maintenance things like get massages,

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 5.56.05 PMor get their hair cut,

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and no one will make them wear a crown for it.

They are allowed a range of emotions like “slightly shocked”

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or “kinda sad.”

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But the most hurtful one of all is this:

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 5.56.49 PMAccording to Emoji,  the brunettes are the only ones allowed to get married.

Screen Shot 2014-05-14 at 10.15.01 AM

I want it known that I tried once to be a brunette. I wanted so badly to join their ranks. But it was a very sad year in which I looked very terrible, because some people are not lucky enough to look good as a brunette.

And so I am doomed to a life of single blondeness, where I must wear a metaphoric crown and be labeled by strangers as un-career-oriented.

I guess I’ll just go dance out my sorrows with my friends.

Screen Shot 2014-05-14 at 10.14.43 AM


**In case anyone is confused, this post is me being sarcastic. I feel the need to say this because sometimes you guys get offended and write me long comments about it. Please stop doing that 🙂