Dealing with Dumb-Blonde-ization

Recently I found myself in a conversation with an elderly stranger. After noticing my vacant ring finger, he ask every single girl’s favorite question:

“So, why aren’t you married?”

I sat there for a moment, waiting for him to gather from the look on my face that he should slowly retreat. He then went on to break the silence by finishing his statement:

“I mean, you don’t seem super career-oriented or anything.”

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Confusion! Shock! Anger!

I started to stammer defensively that actually I AM quite career oriented, but then remembered that I am currently unemployed but that’s not because I’m stupid I’m just in a weird phase of life and it’s complicated to be a millennial and I don’t really know…? 

Luckily he changed the subject and we moved on. But in the days following this incident, I have considered what would motivate this man to have said such a thing. I’ve wondered, do I talk like a Californian now? Do I have a dumb face??

And then one day I was looking through my emojis, and I realized what it was.

Blonde Emoji

I believe I was a victim of dumb-blonde-ization.

I know there have been a handful of less-intelligent blondes in our time, but I feel personally affronted by the fact that this is the ONLY blonde in Emoji’s entire collection. I mean, the crown, really? Is the crown necessary? I am forced to represent myself with a Princess, who I might point out has definitely never had to worry about her career.

And just look at all the options they’ve given brunettes! 

They can put their arms over their head.

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They can put their arms in an X.

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They can froof their hair,

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or raise their hand to share an intelligent comment.

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 5.55.51 PMThey can do high maintenance things like get massages,

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 5.56.05 PMor get their hair cut,

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and no one will make them wear a crown for it.

They are allowed a range of emotions like “slightly shocked”

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or “kinda sad.”

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But the most hurtful one of all is this:

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 5.56.49 PMAccording to Emoji,  the brunettes are the only ones allowed to get married.

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I want it known that I tried once to be a brunette. I wanted so badly to join their ranks. But it was a very sad year in which I looked very terrible, because some people are not lucky enough to look good as a brunette.

And so I am doomed to a life of single blondeness, where I must wear a metaphoric crown and be labeled by strangers as un-career-oriented.

I guess I’ll just go dance out my sorrows with my friends.

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**In case anyone is confused, this post is me being sarcastic. I feel the need to say this because sometimes you guys get offended and write me long comments about it. Please stop doing that 🙂

One thought on “Dealing with Dumb-Blonde-ization

  1. Sager says:

    Omg!! Hillarious!! I get you fellow blonde Im 30 with no intention of getting married and not having even a single date around this days…hahahaha

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