Scott diagnosed me.
“I think maybe the reason you feel frustrated is because you want everything.”
“What? No I don’t!!”
“Hey, it’s not a bad thing! It’s just…who you are.”
I took a moment to take a mental scan of my life. Bleh.
“Okay fine. I want everything. But when you set out to get everything, you end up with more than you would have if you’d only aimed for a few things, right?!”
He kissed me and told me I was perfect, and no doubt geared up to watch me continue to ruin my life.
I want everything. All the things.
Mostly, I want to write. It is a curse that I would not wish on my worst enemy.
I want to write so badly that last year, I quit my job to write a novel. I had told myself it was crazy and stupid and ridiculous, for YEARS I told myself that. But the pesky little idea had incepted itself so deeply into my brain that I physically could not ignore it anymore.
And so I quit my stable-ish, well-paying, job with benefits, and I started writing a terrible novel.
Upon realizing how terrible it was, I took a break to go back to advertising. I got brought in for a project on an amazing product launch that I can’t exactly talk about but that has the potential to be amazing!!
And then the reality set in that even though it’s an amazing product, it’s still advertising and there are clients and lawyers and no you can’t say that. But yes we will work nights and weekends away from our families and brand new husbands because PEOPLE NEED THIS PRODUCT.
And so,* upon craving a career that would be fulfilling and uplifting and create real change in the world, I decided to get certified to teach yoga…in the midst of this product launch. And it is INTENSE, this yoga training, and there is homework, (okay it’s called OMwork), and today as I was practice teaching the sequence on my commute, I got so absorbed in it that I found myself in Long Beach. I don’t work in Long Beach.
I have lost my mind. I have horcruxed my energy into so many directions that I CAN’T EVEN DRIVE.
Why do I do this?? I would truly give anything to be content with going to one job, coming home, and watching TV on my couch. I would give anything to be content with just being. Instead I keep on biting, and being less and less able to chew.
But see, the problem is that I don’t just want all the things, I LOVE all the things! I feel this out-of-body passion motivating me towards each one of them.
I want to make amazing commercials.
I want to write a non-terrible novel.
I want to make people sweat and help them see their bodies get stronger.
I want to help you understand what it is to be Mormon and create a normal place where we can talk about it.
I want all of the things, and I can’t have them.
*Somewhere in the midst of this I planned a wedding