The 7 Stages of Working from Home

1-Smugness

You wake with the clear knowledge that you have pulled one over on the world. Today you will not commute. You will not put on makeup. You will not even look at a bra. Your poor co-workers at their desks in their outfits, mwahaha what fools!

2-Productivity

You hunker down at your laptop for the next two hours. You get more done in this time than your entire last week in the office. You’re on a roll, unstoppable, can’t fathom how or why anyone, no everyone, is wasting their time going in. It has begun to sound like a backwards, lowly thing and you will never do it again.
 

3-Efficiency

You dial-in to the conference call but put it on mute so they won’t hear you doing dishes. Or breathing heavily while riding the stationary bike at the apartment gym — how clear your mind is while your heart is also going! Maybe you spend the meeting in repose; double pigeon or legs up the wall pose, closing your eyes to rest them from that harsh computer screen. Whatever you do, it is something that would never be done in the office.

 

Look at this image. The internet is an amazing place.

4-Laundry

All that efficiency goes to your head and you decide to take it up a notch. Why not throw in a load, free up your weekend? Plus it will get you out of the house (apartment living yall) and doesn’t take long. Ooh! And if you time things just right, you may even be able to be folding the laundry by the time your next conference call rolls around!

5-Distraction

It’s hard to know how it started. You came back from laundry and had every intention of re-entering Productivity but are now five pages deep in a Google image search on Chris Pine. It’s just that you always thought he was only a rom-com guy but are confused after watching Hell or High Water because he was legitimately great and yet all those superhero movies. You learn that his fans call themselves “Pine Nuts.” You hate this very much, and click away quickly lest you become one of them.

6-Guilt

You look at the clock. It’s been an hour since entering Distraction and you are suddenly flooded with guilt. But but but, you were on such a roll this morning, why has your brain forsaken you now? Why will your fingers only type FACEBOOK.COM? How many hours per day are you productive when you’re at the office?

You attempt a rough calculation: there’s the necessary socializing/team bonding time, meeting time, time spent finding the right dongle in said meetings, lunch time, texting time, rooftop time — what do we even do when we’re at the office? You tell yourself you’re fine, in fact your co-workers are probably watching RuPaul’s Drag Race this very moment.

Plus, you can work late if you need. You could work ’til midnight, you could work forever, you’re at home where there are no parameters to this workday it never ends it might never ever end

7-Existential Crisis

 What even is a job? JOB JOB JOB what a strange word, it gets stranger the more you say it. But really how do you measure a job that’s an idea job where so much is intangible, and there’s intellectual property, plus the gig economy etc. etc.

You practice handstands against the wall. You are terrible at handstands. You put on Green Light and dance around the apartment. I’M WAITING FOR IT! THAT GREEN LIGHT! I WANT IT!

You return to your desk, a little embarrassed, despite the fact you’re alone. All alone. Maybe you should talk to someone today. Yes! That’s what you need, you should text someone. But who? Do you…have friends…?

You force yourself back to some semblance of reality. You read your email and make a to-do list of whatever your brain refused to accomplish today.

All traces of smugness have evaporated. You can’t wait until tomorrow when you can go into the office.

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